Dear Diary,
I'm in over my head
My loneliness makes me feel as if I am drowning.
It could have been the incident that caused them all to leave me, as well.
We'll go down memory lane together
On my 19th birthday,
Since I wasn't planning to attend college anytime soon, Celine invited me to her school's hostel for a party.
I met someone.
I spent the entire evening stalking the most beautiful human boy that I had ever seen. We would occasionally lock eyes, and I would feel my heart skip a beat every time that happened.
His poised nature and boredom nearly matched mine. I have never been a party animal. The girls kept hovering around him because he was selling like hotcakes.
After a while, He started walking towards me, and I noticed that the air was getting thinner, I was sweating, my mind was telling me to run, but my legs couldn't carry me away.
After licking his lips, he said, "Hello, I noticed you were staring at me all evening. I don't bite, wanna take a walk outside?" He grabbed my hand and led me outside before I had time to say anything.
Despite the cold night, the stars shone brightly. Crickets and frogs were synchronized with the wind and my heartbeat, creating a chaotic melody if you will. Yes, I may have overhyped the situation. My digression continues.
Since I avoided boys for most of the high school, I was still unable to comprehend what was happening; my mind was racing, it was my first time being this close to a boy. Despite my desire to become desired, I did not measure up. Could I be good enough?
Anyhow, having acne and a flat chest typical of people who are late bloomers, I didn't stand a chance.
Finally, breaking the awkward silence after 10 minutes of walking, he says,
I haven't seen you around here. Do you attend school here?" "My name is Johnny.
As soon as I heard his celestial voice, I experienced a moment of astonishment. The loud party music was a distraction, now I could hear clearly.
I am Aphrodite, but you can call me Aphro... I am not studying at the university here, I took a year off. Celine is my high school friend who invited me."
Aphrodite, Aphro, Aphrodisiac....nice name.
I was drawn closer to him by the gaze in his eyes.
The eyes of this man were like diamonds, piercing through his soul,
When he touched my lower lip with his finger, he asked if I'd like a drink. His hand reached up to touch my face, then his tongue licked the lower part of my lip.
As he drew a mini vodka bottle from his back pocket, he opened it and took a shot. That moment was the first time I tasted alcohol, it was awful. The way I watched how it was presented on television made me think that it would taste better. I was in no condition to refuse since he had hypnotized me, which was like having another person in the room.
Seeing his gaze sent shivers down my spine. I liked that, it was my first time experiencing what he was doing. Approximately 20 minutes later, he asked if I would like him to take me to his house, since he lived just around the corner.
As I saw two of him at this point, the alcohol must have kicked in. My memory is hazy, but I remember that the next morning, I was alone naked in a motel with bloodstains on the sheets, my clothing on the floor, and some money on the table.
Like yesterday, I can still see myself in a room, naked and wishing I didn't have a headache. I have no memory of what had happened to me, other than that I had lost my innocence to a stranger who had given me money.
In spite of my parents' long lives, they did not have time to explain to me why they named me after the patron goddess of prostitutes. I guess I lived up to my title. The first sale I made was successful.
Well, I didn't tell anyone because of the short dress, and maybe I muddled things up.
During months of crying, I was unable to sleep.
My fear of sex has never abated since then. As a result of my refusal to sleep with Jack, Jack left me.
It's hard for me to imagine what love should be like. However, I want it. Would it be possible without the sex?
Are there any chances for me?
Anyway, it's getting late, I have a long day tomorrow, some bachelor party I have to organize at the hotel.
Guest Blogger: Tikiawithgrace
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